What I wish everyone did during an argument
While many of us consider ourselves peaceful and easygoing, we will all disagree with someone else at some point – likely this week, maybe even today. Sometimes we draw that difference of perspective to the attention of the other person, with *ahem* the intention of changing their position. They disagree – and then we have an argument. How could they do that or think that way? They must be confused, misinformed, or just plain stupid.
When this happens to me, afterwards I often feel flustered and frustrated about how the argument went – even if I won or got my way. Does this happen to you too? Do you wish you had done or said something different? Do you wonder if you were justified in what you did?
One good way to avoid this post-argument shame or regret is to listen to the other person's viewpoint. Often, we're know-it-alls who are confident we understand both sides, so why waste our time? Sometimes we act like listening to what we assume is boneheaded will infect us like a disease. (Yes, I'm talking to every politician on the Hill.)
But guess what? Deeply listening to the other person's side doesn't mean you've given up on your viewpoint. It means that you respect the other person. It means you're interested in what they have to say.
Next time it happens to you, try a few open-ended questions:
Can you tell me more about that?
What led you to that decision/opinion/conclusion?
Have you had a personal experience that affects your view?
The other party might be surprised and even think that you're being sarcastic or baiting them. That's okay. Keep a friendly, neutral tone and learn from them. Bonus points: give them a brief summary of what they said and check that you got it right. Nothing formal: “So you thought it would be okay to invite Scott and Anna over for dinner because we're all such good friends even though you hadn't told me beforehand. Is that what you're saying?” They'll feel heard and more likely to reciprocate by listening to your side of things.
Best case scenario: you'll be able to reach a mutual understanding. And even if you don't, you'll have a fuller picture, have demonstrated that you care -- and be so much less likely to replay the conversation on repeat in your head.